Hello world.. I have been away for some time... I had to take some time to heal my wounds and pain. I am not 100% , but I am better than before. I will feel some form of pain for the rest of my life and now I just need to find things to make me feel better.
The last post was in 2015 and prior to that it was 2012. A lot of things have happened since that time and they were not all good ones, however I did have a couple of good evens happen. But as we all know pain and loss and struggles are what we remember more than the good times.
However I learned "in order to appreciate the sweet, we need to experience the bitter" only then will we know how to appreciate the good things in life.
So lets begin with a mini recap of what 4 years looked like.
2012-2014 Struggling with health... but found strength to enroll in Grad School. (Yes I decided to do that instead of law school).
2014 Finished my program and wit the grace of God , Graduated in May 2014.
But life will always throw you lemons and when you are celebrating your accomplishments, Life will sneak in and punch you in the gut.
August 2014 Started a journey up a mountain in hopes to make a difference, ended up in the inner city mentoring and making a difference in young peoples lives.
Dec 2015... LIFE again sucker punches me and my family and sends my Dad into Cardiac Arrest... this is the first time that I am writing this and even sharing with anyone. I remember it clearly like it happened just yesterday. I arrived home after deciding not to go to dinner with my JZ ( I am so thankful for that, if not my dad would had been alone). I had mailed and my dad told me a box had arrived. I had purchased a blanket from my school in support of homelessness. Buy one and they give one to homeless shelter, I was super excited to get my blanket, actually I had bought it to give to dad, as a gift and for him to have something from my school. Dad mentioned he had pain in his gums and asked for is oral gel and then he proceeded to go outside for his daily ritual to the nicotine addiction. He was there a good 5 minutes and then he came back inside the house, he went to his room and laid down... seconds later I heard what sounded like gurgling sounds, to which I thought it was strange and thought "I don't think Dad fell asleep that fast.. My mom yes she falls asleep at the drop of a dime... not my dad." So I rushed t his room and asked if he was Ok, and there was no response just the same gurgling sounds. I walked over to him and asked "Dad are you ok?" I patted him on the shoulder to see if he would wake up, and notice his eyes were twitching. I knew he wasn't able to hear me and I did not know if he was breathing. I dialed 911 and just like I did 11 yeas ago I said the following words "Help... My dad is not responding, and I don't know if he is breathings."
Time felt like it stood still and everything else was moving in super slow motion. I was asked if I could move him to the floor, to which I replies "No" you see I am only 5'0" and there was no way I could had moved him on my own and without hurting him put him on the floor. At that moment I felt a rush of anger, as I was home alone and no one was there to help. I was faced with death and I wasn't going to let it take my dad. I was instructed to start hands only CPR. I don't know id it was done right. I followed the 911 operators instruction, while at the same time focusing on my dad and how his once pink lips were now looking bluish... So i pushed harder and kept telling him... "No dad... not on my watch... you can't leave like this"... Luckily the paramedics arrived, those minutes waiting for them felt like it was hours. I was moved to the side and 7 medics worked on dad to bring him back. All in all he coded 3 times before they got his heart and breathing back. He was taken to the hospital and I called my brother and my JZ and we followed. Unfortunately the lack of oxygen to his brain was too long and my dad never regain consciousness. We spent 6 months praying for a recovery and hoping he would once again open his eyes and see me. He did on May 4, 2015 at exactly 11:25 pm, for the very first time in 6 months I stared into his eyes and I felt like he saw me... minutes later he breath his last breath and was on his way back to his creator. I had 6 months that I spent with him. I thanked him for all his hard work, for his support and his love. I made sure he knew mom and my brother and nephews would be ok and I made sure he knew that there is a heaven and I told him about how peaceful and beautiful it is. And I told him that since he hadn't been able to eat in 6 months... that very night he was going to meet Jesus and I'm sure he was going to give him dinner,I also told him that it was ok for him to go, I told him that God would be waiting for him and that he will be able to plant roses in heaven just like he loved planting them here. As for myself and my family we need to learn how to discover life, and live it like dad would want us to.
to be continued...
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
My Poem Why?Inspired by the many times I was questioned why I chose to study Social Work
My Poem Why?Constantly I am asked why?
To that question I reply
Because I opened up my eyes
I saw my surroundings, the disparities and the inequalities
I saw broken streets and broken dreams
Graffiti walls and dead end streets
I saw dead dogs lying on the sidewalk, as well as young men dying due to gang violence
I saw dead people walking, with somber looks filled with sadness, No sparkle left in their eyes, No dreams to bring them back to life
And Why is No one talking, walk past me like I'm invisible, treat me like I’m a stranger or a criminal
Trash filled alleys, with dirty mattresses, trash pilling on like mini mountains. Police harassment is so common, just like receiving a summons
The bird circling night and day flashing its lights to no success
No neighborhood watch, No community or unity
Broken houses, broken windows, broken families, Broken dreams
Constantly I am asked why?
To that question I reply
Because I opened up my eyes
I saw children lacking things and mothers struggling to make ends meet
I saw absent fathers...and boys aimlessly wandering with no super hero to guide them,
No loving words or encouragement, No little league games, No Role Models
A constant journey through the jail system going in and out like if it’s was a fast food restaurant
I saw the youth walking aimlessly with No guidance, future or hope for a tomorrow, No education, No job and No College diploma.
I saw young people almost children making babies with no tomorrow, waiting in line for cash assistance
I saw old men with tired arms, with broken backs and sleepless eyes
I see the sorrow in their yes,
I saw the grandmas with gray hair working night and day waiting on the bus to take them home back to where they live,
From lush gardens and clean and safe streets, back into communities filled with broken walls and broken dreams, with broken hearts and much despair... With No help coming from anywhere...
Every day I'm asked why?
To that simply I reply... Because I opened up my eyes and saw the sorrow in their eyes.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
on my worst days, he always manages to put a smile on my face , this time all he needed was my iPad and his imagination and was able to produce these images that made me forget about how horrible I was feeling. Like they say Laughter is a cure for almost anything, even if its a temporary relief. Thank you my Lil "D" tia Loves you Greatly
Green Apple/ Arm boy
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
after my Masters... Law School here I come.. and I come in the name of Jesus who strengthens me!! my body may be broken, but my Spirit is strengthen in Jesus who Strengthens me.
And as my School says... FIGHT ON!!!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Greetings I am unable to sleep... hard to find the right position to fall sleep when your body is achy. So I decided to write. It is officially March and the countdown to Birthdays has begun. March 02, will be Dr. Seuss's Bday and we plan to read some Green eggs and Ham. On saturday March 03, will be my future mother in laws birthday. So I need to get some roses. Sunday March 04, is dear old Pops Bday and I need to get him a Cake. And then Drum roll please... Friday March 9, will be my nephews' 10 birthday !!! Yeah!!! How time flies, just yesterday he was a baby and now he is celebrating a decade. Ten wonderful years filled with his laughter and wonder. I pray that God continues to bless us with many many many many many more birthdays . May he Bless all the March babies and may their day be filled with Love and Green unicorns =D
this is one of my favorite Fafi paintings.. it makes me smile.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I have been super duper busy,with Dr. Visits, tests and Physical Therapy. I have been dealing with my health issues for over a year, if I have one piece of advice to give you, it would be to please find a job that will not require you to do so much manual labor. I was so thankful for my job, as it allowed me the opportunity to help my family financially and still have time to get my undergraduate degree, but I do regret staying longer than planned. We only get one body and if we mess it up, we will regret it forever. I have been in pain for over a year and a half. I have gone through Different Doctors and nothing but, I am so blessed to currently be in the care of one the best Dr.'s and he is such a Knight in shinning armor. I also Have the best Physical Therapist, she is God sent her hands are a blessing and her partner in crime is amazing. They were able to help me reduce the intensity of my headaches and for that I am so grateful. Thank You Jesus!!! for allowing me to find them. So take this as an example, value your health ore than your job. As of this past Wednesday my work place could no longer wait form to return and I was officially let go. I don't blame them , they have so much work that needs to be done and I understand they needed to replace me. Like I said I appreciated the opportunity to work with them. Now I can only pray that God heals me and makes my body complete. Due to the pain I am limited as to what I can do, and what I do I have to endure so much pain to do. So please take care of your self, make room to dance and move and give yourself some rest time. I worked non-stop for 8 years with out taking a vacation, worked OT and on weekends and the money is always useful, but your health is PRICELESS!!!!! so take care of it. We only get one body and if we mess it up we can not go to the Doctor and ask for a replacement. Trust me, I tried and it's not possible. I went to my Doctor and I said I need the following parts change do you have any spare for My neck, My Shoulders ( left and right) my Arms ( left and Right) my wrist ( left and right ) and Hands, and can you please put a Rush Order on my right one, and also My upper Back, and if possible my head , I have a headache that travel all the way to my right temple and right eye and my eye socket feels like it is going to explode. They said We are sorry =( we can't do that.
Moral of my story, money comes and goes and we need it, but our health is more important than money. and once it goes, it is almost impossible to get it back.
I feel like Frieda Khalo and I can so tally understand how she felt. To stop the pain that our bodies are experiencing we are forced to drink medication that alters our minds, our thought and makes us feel better for a while, but it does not cure us. The muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatory that are supposed to help makes my mouth bitter and makes my skin dry and fall and all the other medication has side effects that will either heal you or kill you. So take care of your Health !!
Picture is The Broken Column by Frieda Kahlo