Monday, November 21, 2011

It's so hard to understand

As I sit here listening to my step-father constantly talk and talk.. I can only ask myself how does my mother do it? How does she put up with all his non sense. How does she keep herself from going crazy, I feel like my head is going to explode just by listening to him and he is not even speaking to me. Then I realized, we have to be really careful with whom we marry or start a relationship with. See they are similar to many other couples who stayed together for what ever reason other than true love. What?? what did I just say, well even if I have no experience in the living with someone or married department, I can tell you one thing, LOVE is LOVE and its a two way street. And when the day comes for me to decide who I share my life with I will remember my mother and chose wisely. Sometimes we need to see what others are dealing with to learn and understand that whatever they have, I do not want. Let me tell you a brief summary and Yes I am venting, its the only way I can get rid of the stress that I have been exposed to. My stepfather acts like a child, he has always required my moms full attention. So much that when my Brother and I were kids, we felt like he was jealous of us and he would always make sure to express his dissatisfaction when my mom paid us any attention. If we were not home, and mom was there to cater his needs he was happy. I can't even call it the infamous MACHISMO, because this word implies manliness and there is nothing manly about a full grown man who chooses to act like a child. I love my mother and I feel so sad for her, but this is a choice she made for herself and has no one to blame but herself. But at 64 years old, I am constantly asking myself how much more can she bear? She has been dealing with this since she was 30 years old. But like I said this is something she chose for herself and when given the opportunity to leave she never did. One thing I will never understand, and I am tired of trying. When I was younger I saw my mom and I am going to be honest, I never wanted to be like her. Because all I saw was her weakness, as a woman and as an individual. But as I grew older and learned I realized that we are not all born with the same talents and self esteem and self love is something not everyone possesses. Sometimes it has to be learned and it might take 40 years of suffering to finally understand the concept. And that even if that part is missing there are greater things that are helping that person survive, There is Strenght and Faith and Hope. I pray that God enlightens her and that he can give her an opportunity to be free and learn to know what it is to truly be Loved. As for me, I need to see and learn and choose wisely and to learn to love my mother more and not judge her for her weaknesses. And try to remember that I am who I am today, because of who she was yesterday.

xoxo sea
ps. The picture was sent to me, it doesn't belong to me, but I thought it was lovely white.

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